Drama School. Weird place. It’s almost like in X-Men, the school for mutant teenagers, they all have weird and wonderful talents, they all connect due to the acceptance of being different, and mostly the acceptance ‘to be whoever the F you wanna be” That’s how it feels anyway. “You do you, and i’ll do me” as everyone in school seems to quote. It’s a difficult place, emotion is always impacting whether it’s on the positive side of the spectrum or the negative. People bitch, not surprising, people cry, pretty normal and people support, which for me I’ve never felt within a community. I still struggle, in a sense of making friends. Well, not necessarily the ‘making friends’ part, more the overthinking, the pure ache and strain throughout my body, questioning everything; every look and every comment people give. But at the end of the day we all link through our love for Acting. You could hate someone yet you’d still have something to talk about as the interests are similar. So yeah, the insecurities, the deep, flesh eating insecurities. That’s me, I’d say, the insecure classmate, it’s is where my feet are fully grounded. I never asked for it, i never asked for any of it, but it consists of: The “I’m never going to be good enough”, the sickness of your own self when things get tough, the outright craving to be or look like somebody else. Not to mention the brain, the funny organ in everybody’s head that seems to want to ruin my life. An organ that makes every small hill a mountain, every small puddle feels like you’re drowning. How can the brain, an organ create such drastic things? My irrational thoughts for example, I haven’t been able to walk down a street in years without thinking someone is behind me with a knife, ready, waiting, for me to slip up. How I can be one step away from a loved one and picture different ways someone could come along right at that moment and rip them away. It kills me, my brain is always deciding on the next shit thing, the next scary, gruesome, unrealistic thing, and why? To unsettle me? To scare me? Fight or flight they say, but what’s the use if none of its actually real, my body works double the amount normal people do because I live in pure fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of something that would never happen but my body thinks it will. “Normal people”, I shouldn’t put it like that, I’m not crazy, or a “psycho” as someone once told me, I’m human, just like everyone else, I just don’t have much luck. Trust issues. It’s a big thing, how can I trust after the things I’ve been through, how can a human possibly trust someone so easily with everything that still lives with them, that still lives with me. I think that’s the thing, you can do therapy, you can take medicine and yeah, some of the time things are ok but it doesn’t mean it’s not still there, with you, you know?
You do You & I’ll do Me